Barack'ed the vote.
Did you? <3

For the first time in a very long time, I'm REALLY confident and happy with my relationship.
I was going to go see Hell boy 2 with David and Maceo yesterday, so I dressed up all fancy. Then David cancelled out, so I told him I'd just go over to his house.
I hit the bank, took out money. I went to Carrs, saw Amanda which was rad. I bought a bouqet of red roses, an "I love you card" and a king size reese's cups. I wrote "Surprise!! I love you, - April" in the card.
While I was walking to the bus stop, David texted me and asked if he could chill with his brother today.
I was like "what. the. fuck!? oh, hell no!" and he said it was cool, so I was glad.
He met me at the bus stop and I gave him his flowers, card, and chocolate. We sat there talking for a bit, then went to his house.
We got in the shower. We don't take showers very often together. I shampooed and conditioned his hair for him. Then we got to touching each other and started making out. Then we started messing around in the shower. It was awesome, I've never gotten head while standing up, before. It was pretty nice.
Then we couldn't take all the heat and intensity anymore, so we quickly moved to his bed room, where we made sweet, sweet love. It was beautiful, we haven't had passionate sex like that in a very long time. I loved it.
We cuddled up and slept for a few hours, then woke up and ordered pizza from Pizza Plaza.
We had sex while waiting for it to come. He came in me... I'm a little scared... I told him I was starting birth control, but I haven't actually started it yet.
I'm stupid. =[ I hope I don't get pregnant... I wasn't really expecting him to do that. He always pulls out.
Ugh. I'll try not to stress it. I have a gynecology appointment coming up, hopefully my doctor can tell me whether or not I can even have kids.
I'm tired, I think I'm going to have Maceo take me home now (I'm at his house.)
Eek.

I think I might be depressed, but not realize it until recently. I mean, overall I don't FEEL sad. But I've been getting a lot less sleep, decreased appetite, and a lot of lethargy. Of course some of this could be due to the fact that I have lung cancer or something. Ugh.

I cut off ties with Josh, tonight. It was hard. I hella didn't want to and I know he didn't want to, either. I HATE picking my boyfriend over friends, it's stupid. But David has a good reason for making me choose, I guess.

Then Derek cut off ties with me. I'm sad about it, but I understand that he has to do what he has to do in order to change  himself and get over Ivy. I wish only the best for him. And I really wish people would stop saying mean things about him. It makes me upset, because I pretty much just lost him as a friend.

Me and David had this intense argument today. He opens up a lot when he's stoned, it's crazy. I told him I was talking to Billy again and he was like "why!?" And then he pushed me off of him and sat up. He started crying and asking me why I never do stuff for him like I did for Billy. And I was like "what!? tell me!" And he just talked about the diary I made for him (http://www.opendiary.com/entrylist.asp?authorcode=D730518) and asked why I never surprised him or did anything like that for him. He said that he read my e-mails and MySpace all the time when we weren't even TOGETHER and he was with JENNA, because he missed me. He said he was really jealous of Billy and started getting depressed and that's when he stopped reading them.

It was sweet in a way, but really messed up. I NEVER knew that he invaded my privacy that much. I was just like "why would you do that!?"

I'm not as committed as he is and we both know it. He finally came out and said what we both knew, though. I'm always asking him for more commitment, but I don't give him enough in return and I know it. I feel bad, but I swear I'll change. It's just hard to get over what he did to me. I love him with all my heart, I really do. He's the only thing keeping us together and he said he can only hold us together for so long before we come crashing down. I guess it's my turn to give us more support.

I'm scared. I know I can make him truly happy and hold us together if I make an effort. But that would mean tearing down my boundaries and becoming vulnerable. I don't want to be hurt again. I'm so scared... But I'll do it. For us.

Ugh. I'm so sick. It sucks. I keep coughing and hacking and it sucks. Oh well, I hope taking Nyquil and Dayquil gel capsules helps.
I stayed the night at David's last night. He was hella annoying me. The bus stops running at 6:00 and I told him I'd just walk home at 8:00 and he was all "No. I don't want you going out that late. You have to stay over."
I was like "I'm a big girl, now. I can take care of myself."
He was like "I know you are, but I still don't want you walking home. Every time you do, it worries me."
sfhaifsa! STUPID. I was just so annoyed. I smoked with him, because I didn't even care. My lungs hurt like hell before I did it and I'm sure the smoking made it worst, but he was annoying me like hella.
We watched the new Hulk movie. It was hella bootleg, but a really good movie.
After that, we went to bed. I couldn't sleep, I wasn't tired. So I kept leaving and I finally came in and slept for one hour. David kept trying to cuddle with me and hold me during the night, but I kept getting annoyed and pushing me off me and moving away.
idk why I'm being such a bitch lately. It sucks. I'm sure it will pass hella quick, though.
My 4th was kind of lame. We started shooting off fireworks and the lady next door complained and threatened to call APD. It's stupid, the boys that live over there do illegal shit all the time. Like wanking off in their front yard. GROSS.
So me, Steve, and Alec went to Tekishla. We let off one really big one there and took off. We went to Airport Heights and everyone there was cool, so we lit off some of the bigger ones and took off.
I still have a shit load of fireworks left and idk what to do with them.
Ugh, I'm tired. I'm hardly getting any sleep these days. It seems way later than it actually is.
And I have to hang out with my douche bag boyfriend tomorrow.
I'm sure one day soon I'm going to regret how badly I'm treating him. Sigh.

I'm so addicted to the site i-am-bored.com they just have so many cool, funny, and cute things on there daily. It's hard not to be addicted. Actually, the sites I go to daily are hotmail, myspace, i-am-bored, and lushstories. Hmm, interesting.

I'm so effing tired. I went to bed at 6:00 AM and woke up at 10:30 AM so me and Naomi could go to Houston and buy fireworks.

We had to pick up her back seat and then Kristen, which I didn't know. I thought we were going to go at noon, without Kristen, so we could beat traffic.

We went to Naomi's sister's house. Her sister looks a LOT like her and even says "hello" like her. We got Naomi's back seat and her and her nephew Casey spent like 15 minutes trying to get it in. It was some hard work, but they did it. Then Naomi invited him to join us, so he did. We all went to pick up Kristen from work and we had a little bit of an issue, because Krunchy was trying to get in our house, but couldn't find the spare key.

We left, though. When we got some miles out of town, we went into this little mini-stop place called Pinetree or something. I swear, it had to be the world's NASTIEST bathroom inside. I wish I had my camera with me at that moment so I could have taken a picture of it. The toilet wasn't flushed when I went in there, I had to flush it AND use toilet paper as a toilet seat cover, since it didn't have any. The walls and floors were all grimy and dirty. The trash can was overflowing with trash. It was also a unisex bathroom, so who knows who'd been in there. There was no soap and the sink was all rusted. And the thing that I found the funniest - was their toilet paper dispenser. What they called a toilet paper dispenser was a huge rusted chain hooked on the side of the sink, with three rolls of toilet paper on it and a master lock to secure it. Talk about ghetto. Not to mention that the whole place, not just the bathroom, but the mini-stop itself - smelt like musty old men and POOP. Gross!

Anyway, we drove and got to Gorilla fireworks. I bought an assortment of fireworks and they even added free extra products. It was pretty sweet! Then it was the long ride home. We stopped at some nice little cafe that had nasty orange juice and good food, but in very small quantities.

I'm not sure what to do with the fireworks, though. Everyone seems to be busy for the 4th. Most of my family is working and my uncle Dana's family are going to the Pilot's game.

And I don't want to spend time with my douche bag boyfriend. I love him, but I honestly hate how he's the only person I seem to hang out with. It's sort of my own fault, because opportunities have come, but they always seem to arise when I'm actually busy with my life. It's lame.

Mayn, I like Josh. A lot.

It's terrible. But I just have so much in common with him. It's easy to have regular, full-length conversations with him. Not just the "do you like this?" "yeah, I like that. It's alright." Then stop conversations I have with David.

Plus he UNDERSTANDS, me. He understands things I'm going through that David could never fathom.

I'm a horrible girlfriend and I know it.

David knows that our relationship isn't going very well. I KNOW that he can tell. And I know that he's trying really hard to cling on and make sure it works out.

But the truth is, I really don't know if it will. Our relationship is extremely rocky. And the most hurtful thing about that, is the fact that we're not fighting to extremities every time we hang out, we're doing the exact opposite. Just hardly talking, letting our relationship sink.

It really feels like a marriage. And I feel like that wife from a horrible teenage soap opera who has an affair on her husband.

Of course I haven't cheated on David. I don't plan to, but... I have this horrible feeling inside of me that SOMETHING will happen between me and Josh. It won't be big, just a kiss... But still, I'm not even supposed to be talking to him.

I know we feel passionate about each other, I can tell it by our conversations. =[ And I'm starting to feel guilty, because David doesn't know.

I need to erase Josh from my life. I need to fix things with David. I really, really need to.

A couple of my friends who I won't name have said I should just dump David and get with Josh if that would make me happier.

The truth is, it doesn't work like that. I can't just dump someone because things aren't going smooth and get with the next available thing, just because it would make me feel good until things in that relationship started going wrong, again.

The truth is, I don't know if I'd even be happy. I'd probably regret it more than anything.

The truth is, the real, hard, FUCKING truth is, I need to grow the fuck up and stop being so afraid. I need to let down my barriers ALL the way and let David in. I need to stop running to this second string support I'm getting from someone who doesn't even know me half as well as David does. The truth is, I need to stop being a little, bratty girl and start being a fair, good girlfriend.

It's harsh, but I know it's the truth and I know what I need to do.

It won't be easy. Definitely not, but it will be well worth it if I want to save my relationship from anymore further damage and disaster.

Drag bingo was hella fun!

I didn't win. I dressed in drag, though. So did my sister. The bingo hostess was a guy dressed in nice women's clothing. He changed his pumps for every new game (there were 5 games.) And he kept running out during games to talk to random passer-bys. A lot of people didn't mind, but had to do something else, so they couldn't join the game. He got a group of German tourists to come in and buy beers, though. That was pretty sweet. A lot of people ran away from him, it was sad. He was so gorgeous looking for an old guy, though. It thought it was cool. He stopped this one couple and asked the guy if he was straight. The guy said "yes." And the hostess was like "I have some advice then: keep your ass on the wall." It was funny.

It was a pretty even mix of gays and straights, there. There weren't a lot of people dressed in drag, there. Mainly girls dressed as guys. Cute, though. It was a lot of fun. The hostess was so nice and social and funny. He got everyone to get up and dance and have a good time. The door prizes were pretty sweet, too. Sexual gift baskets and ipod nanos, lawlz.

I was so busy today. Stayed the night at David's last night. We were supposed to go to the pride parade, but we got cancelled on. So instead we went downtown, ate at Subway, then David had to go back to get his wallet. So we went back and he smoked a blunt with his sister and Mike. Then we went back downtown to the Saturday market and had funnel cake. Then we tried taking the bus to Barnes & Nobles, but took the wrong one and ended up at Regional Hospital, where we walked to Northway. We sort of had a falling out. We went to Birchtree and discussed our relationship. He's losing faith in us, 'cause he thinks I'm trying to get rid of him.

I'm not. I'm just scared. I told him before I move in with him, I need a deeper commitment. Like a promise ring. He said "okay, no problem. I'll get you one." All smooth & cool like it was no big deal. I didn't expect that. I expected him to get upset and say no. I hate it. I'm too scared for this shit. I love him so much, but I don't want to make myself open and vulnerable to get hurt.

I'm trying, though. I really am. I'm taking it day-by-day. He's not exactly open with me either, so whatever. Earlier when we were on the bus, it felt like the old times. I cuddled up with him and felt affectionate and just wanted to be around him.

I'm really just blowing hot/cold. Sigh. Oh well, I hope we can get through this.

I'm going to the air show with him tomorrow. idk, he doesn't seem very enthused to go. He never really seems enthused to see me, really. He claims he is and he'd rather hang out with me and just hangs out with his friends whenever he can't hang out with me. Whateva. Jerk.

I'm sooooo tired. All that running around and I cried a few times because of our stupid fights. I HATE how he treats me like a little kid. He should respect me more.

And Tony. He won't even give him a fair chance to hang out with him. Jerk.

Ugh, whatever. I'm going to Wasilla on Wednesday with Kristen and Naomi to buy fireworks. I hope it works out, I haven't had fireworks for fourth of July in a long time.

I was looking at a picture of me from last year's 4th. I looked so crazy different.

I'm so tired. I'm going to sleep, now.

I think I have milia. (Pronounced Mill-ee-uh.) Milia are benign, small, fluid-filled lesions usually found under the eyes and around the nose of infants and adults. About 50% of infants get them, so they're considered "normal."

I didn't even realize I had a problem, until David pointed it out, one day. I mean, I knew there was something there... But I assumed everyone had them. Apparently, not.

This is what someone without milia looks like:
http://photodoto.com/wp-content/uploads/2006/08/portrait11.jpg

And this is what my eyes look like:
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v32/evildollies/whoknows016.jpg

It's not too big of a deal, but if I do have them I want them removed. I'm scared to go see a dermatologist. I read up what kind of treatments they have and they have a cream (which I HOPE I could get,) or they can use a scalpel or an acid peel.

I'm getting annoyed because every time I think I'll be able to get a full night's sleep, my uncle and his freaking girlfriend wake me up by having sex. I was woke up at like 5 in the morning today by hearing BUMP, BUMP, BUMP, BUMP, BUMP!!! Against my bedroom wall and Naomi going "Oooh, OOOH! Ooooh! OOHooOOOh!" Sdjaopdfjsd! SO fucking annoying. She has no respect. I've pointed it out to her that she's loud. All she says is "sorry, I can't help it." I've offered to buy her a ball gag, she just smiles and says "it wouldn't get used."

I can't stand this shit, anymore. I need to figure out something to do so they can STOP, or at least be more courteous about it so I can fucking sleep without having to wake up to hear that shit. It's seriously not even cool.

Blah, blah, blah. That's all my life is, really.
Oh well. I'll live.
I've been sleeping on my couch, lately. idk why. My bed is so much more comfortable.
I've also been having really scary dreams, lately. I've had quite a few about David leaving me or cheating on me.
Last night I had one where I was living in Idaho with my mom, sister, and my mom's first husband. We were heading into Moscow to go to Wal*Mart and they heard about this town in the Southern part of Idaho that was going to have a hurricane and they wanted to go see what it looked like before the actual hurricane hit.
I was freaking out and was like "what the hell!? No! We could die! Why are there even hurricanes happening in Idaho!?"
But they still drove and we got to the town, we drove over this bridge and into this hotel where a lot of the people from the town were just sitting in the lobby watching the t.v. to see when the hurricane was going to strike. We sat around too and watched. The hurricane was coming quick and I was freaking out and yelling about how we needed to leave. Finally we all got into the car and we were about to drive across the bridge, but when we got on the bridge, the water had risen and we hit the water with our car. My mom was like "shit, look what you did, now." I was trying to stay calm and figure out a way to escape, but I hit my head on the back of my seat and passed out.
When I woke up, (waking up in my dream,) we were all in the hotel lobby. My sister was passed out, my mom had a cast on her arm, and my step-dad was in a wheelchair. I tried talking, but it was all weird sounding. I couldn't talk or think straight. I managed to say "whyyy are wee in heeaa?" And my mom replied "we were in a car accident, you're brain damaged, now. We have to stay in this hotel until the hurricane passes." I started freaking out and getting scared and then I woke up.
I told my therapist about my dreams and she says it's probably a sign of some anxiety going on in my life. She's probably right.
Marriot called me today. They wanted me to go in for an interview today, but I had to go to my appointment. She said she'd call back, but I don't want her asking me to go in on the day she calls. Stupid. I'll probably just take the JcPenny job, anyway.
Me and David went out on a date, last night to Denny's. It was nice. I want to have a night date with him, I think it would be romantic. We talked about deep things, it was sort of cute. It was like the old days when our relationship was new and I was head over heels in "love" with him.
I told him how I felt like he wasn't as romantic, anymore. And how I'd be happy if he even just took and idea from a movie and made it his own thing.
He says he tries, but it never works out right. But he said he'd try to be more romantic.
I told him about how I used to hate living in my house with my grandpa, but Terri used to tell me that one day my prince in shining armor will rescue me. I asked if he'd be my prince and he said yes.
I asked him if he believed in fairy tales coming true. He said he believes in "happily ever after."
I said "but can you really find happiness after it ends? What does 'happily ever after' even mean? Does that mean after the fairy tale ends? How can that be happy if it's ending?"
He just shrugged.
Ugh, I just don't know, anymore. I love him and I'm thinking that I'm actually liking our relationship more and more. Maybe I'm re-falling in love? Who knows.
I've been talking to Derek a lot lately. It's annoying that he's involving me in his biz with Ivy, but whatever. It's still nice to talk to him like the old days. I miss him so much. He, like a lot of other people, has had a big influence on my life.
I scheduled an appointment to see a gynecologist. I see her in July. I'm kind of nervous, I've never gone before. I was supposed to go a long time ago, shortly after I became sexually active. (Since that's what you're supposed to do.) But I was too scared to ask my grandpa, so I just waited until I was 18.
Oh well, I'm sure it will be fine. Hopefully.
Amanda keeps texting me. I wish she would stop. Whenever she texts me, she always just wants to talk about herself. To ask about pictures of HER, or HER stuff, or whether or not I've been talking shit about HER. It's so stupid. I wish she'd just leave it alone and learn to grow up. She should start taking care of her kid and letting her mom do all the work. She should stop wasting her time getting high and actually keep up with school. She should stop thinking about just herself and start thinking about other people.
She's had a kid at a young age, but didn't learn responsibility. She's been shot and hospitalized, but didn't learn how to cherish her life.
I worry about how she affects others around her. It's not just them she's hurting, but she's hurting HERSELF. She fucks a guy to get attention, because she doesn't love herself in anyway. Sure she can coat on the make-up, look in the mirror, and tell herself she looks hot. But at the end of the day when she takes it all off, she knows what a horrible person she is. How ugly she is on the inside, even when she tries to make herself look pretty on the outside.
Maybe when she stops being so shallow and puts herself on the deep end, she'll find her true beauty and stop being such an immature, stuck up, insecure, bitch.
Whateva. I'm done with hoes.

Ugh!!!
I'm tired of whatever is going on between Derek & Ivy.
I love Derek to death, but I hate getting into something that's none of my business.
His screen name is "instig8r," but he only asks his friends to instigate.
I hate that. I feel like he's taking advantage of my niceness. I hate when people do that.
I don't want to be involved with this in any way.
And when things don't go his way he gets so upset.
Like when he was heart broken over Terri and sometimes I'd be too tired to stay on the phone with him to hear him rant about her.
He'd get upset.
Or when he asked for Chanel's number and I wouldn't give it to him.
He got upset.
Or when I stood up for my friend after he hurt her and rubbed pizza on his shirt.
He got upset. (That one I can SORT of understand, though.)
idk. We hardly hang out, anymore. Whenever we talk he's always asking me for some kind of favor.
I give so much to people and they take advantage of it. It really bothers me.
I've got my own relationship drama to deal with, anyway.
Whatever. I'm taking a day off. I'm going out and turning off my phone, blocking out the world.
I need it.